As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Friday, May 19, 2017
It's So Excessive
Rewrite your original Paw Print passage so that each sentence is overrun with excessive modifiers. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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“Magee’s genuine passion for softball is apparent among her coaches and teammates. She constantly asks questions in an attempt to improve her own game, while at the same time actively looking to help others hone their skills as well. On a team with only two upperclassmen, Magee’s experience and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity level of play” (Yu).
ReplyDeleteMagee’s really true, genuine, real, authentic, absolute, pure, legitimate and sincere passion, love, and joy for softball is absolutely, definitely, and truly apparent amount her coaches and teammates. she constantly, frequently, always, continuously, and repeatedly ask questions in an attempt to improve, better, advance and progress her own game, while t the same time actively, enthusiastically, energetically, and diligently looking to help others hone their skills as well. On a team with only two, not many, a pair, and a couple of upperclassmen, Magee’s experience, knowledge, intelligence, background, understanding, and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity, serious, legitimate, important and high-level of play.
The use of excessive modifiers in this article written by the Paw Print makes the article confusing, unfocused and hard to read. In this article, Carson Yu writes about Maddie Magee’s dedication to the softball team. However, when the excessive modifiers are added, the focus is pulled away from the praise of Magee and drawn towards the wordy and unclear sentences. One example of that is the sentence “On a team with only two upperclassmen, Magee’s experience and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity level of play.” This sentence describes how Magee has contributed to the shaping of the underclassmen’s play. However, when excessive modifiers are added to the sentence and it becomes written as: “On a team with only two, not many, a pair, and a couple of upperclassmen, Magee’s experience, knowledge, intelligence, background, understanding, and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity, serious, legitimate, important and high-level of play” it becomes indistinct and ambiguous. Instead of focusing on the true content of the article, the reader is forced to endure and decipher the article as they are reading it. Rather than conveying the true purpose of the article, it becomes a distraction to its own message. A prime example of this is seen between the phrases “On a team with only two upperclassmen” and “On a team with only two, not many, a pair, and a couple of upperclassmen.” The article transitions from being concise and effectively convey its message to distorted and nonspecific. Adding excessive modifiers to any text results in it being distracting and unclear. In an attempt to create a more clear picture of the situation through modifiers, the author only ends up making the article more confusing and disruptive to the reader.
Freshman, gentleman, young man Renzo Soatto has overly, absolutely proven himself to be a key, influential, indispensable team member on this year’s 10-1, great, nearly undefeated Varsity, High-level tennis team, serving alongside Senior, great player, mentor, Nikhil Adarkar on the #1, best, top of the heap doubles team. For Soatto, his immense, great strength and inexhaustible talent on the court comes from his consistent, undying dedication each and every single practice and his over-abundance of experience, rare, difficult to find, obscure traits in young, often inexperienced Freshman players. “Renzo has a great, wonderful, exemplary work ethic and really and truly has a passionate love for the game that cannot be taught.”
ReplyDeleteAdding excessive modifiers to a paragraph makes the paragraph sound sarcastic. These sentences started as praise for Renzo, but they turned into sarcastic remarks. The sentences now sound like someone is exaggerating their sarcasm. One example of this is in the phrase “key, influential, indispensable team member”. This sentence sounds like someone is mocking Renzo. They are overly praising him to make their sarcasm obvious. This is morphing the intent of the paragraph from well-meant praise to biting, sarcastic comments. Another example of this is in the quote from his teammate. He says “Renzo has a great, wonderful, exemplary work ethic”. The excessive modifiers make the audience think that something must be going on, because no one would speak like that. The words by themselves are still praise, but because of how excessive they are, people question them. Overall, excessive modifiers aren’t helpful unless you want to convey sarcasm in an obvious way, mainly because people interpret them that way, especially while it is in writing.
Year, ages, ago when the growth spurt never came, my wonderful, amazing, brilliant, worried physician parents started eyeing, inspecting, and examining my bones. After hours of prodding, poking, testing and a visit to a interesting, inspective, amazing orthopedic surgeon, the blame for my small, short, and stunted stature landed firmly on two, horrible, awful, and disgusting words I never wanted to define myself with: idiopathic scoliosis. It was severe enough to cause discomfort, pain, and distress, and require a massive clothing alterations and shave inches off my height and made me curse, hate, and loath my luck, the same luck that made it so severe, painful, and horrible as to require treatment.
ReplyDeleteThrough changing Shivani’s passive in her Paw Print article: “Creative writing: Firecracker” to having excessive modifiers, the passive lost the emotional value and had more of a non-serious tone to it. Shivani's passive is about her interaction with idiopathic scoliosis and how it affected her growth. Though the nature of the topic, the passive is serious and portrays the emotion that Shivani was feeling at the time. This emotion can be seen in the second paragraph of the passage which says, “ After hours of prodding and a visit to an orthopedic surgeon, the blame for my smallness landed firmly on two words I never wanted to define myself with: idiopathic scoliosis” (Chatterjee, 9). When looking at this sentence, the reader is able to see the emotion that Shivani put into her writing. This can be especially seen in the phrase “I never wanted to define myself with”. This phrase shows how much hate at first Shivani felt about scoliosis. On the other hand, when modifying the paragraph to have excessive modifiers, it looses the seriousness and emotion as can be seen here, “ After hours of prodding, poking, testing and a visit to a interesting, inspective, amazing orthopedic surgeon, the blame for my small, short, and stunted stature landed firmly on two, horrible, awful, and disgusting words I never wanted to define myself with: idiopathic scoliosis.” When you compare the phrase “I never wanted to define myself with” which Shivani wrote to the excessive modifiers version “landed firmly on two, horrible, awful, and disgusting words I never wanted to define myself with.” Not only is this phrase long and length, but the extra modifiers take away from the sentence instead of adding to the sentence.
If you had the occasion to use a wonderful restroom on the beautiful Polytechnic upper school campus in the last several months you have probably noticed the iconic "newspapers' hanging over the stalls. There are several, and they cover everything from intellectual announcements and intriguing news to hilarious jokes and satire. What's more they're entirely student generated and although most content leans toward a satirically cynical view of the illustrious Poly life, they offer a valuable avenue of expression for the student body.
ReplyDeleteWhen adding excessive modifiers to Desmond's passage the whole thing loss its original integrity and feel. Originally the passage was intellectual and well written, once the modifiers were added it sounded over done and bad. in the sentence "of the illustrious Poly life" the phrase sounds over done and the author sounds for lack of a better word, stuck up. The extra word makes the sentence sound less intellectual and well written. Another place the work sounds over done is "wonderful restroom on the beautiful Polytechnic upper school campus..." here the author seems to be bragging and using "big words" to make them sound intellectual which actually has the opposite effect. Now the phrase sounds less intellectual. The phrases are long and over done.
ReplyDeleteRecently, Pinsky was highly, intensely, completely, and harshly criticized for his unprofessional, prideful, unqualified, and armchair diagnosis of the brilliant, illustrious, intelligent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. On his famous, entertaining, hilarious, and respectable HLN television program Dr. Drew On Call, he boldly and mistakenly presented articles from well-known and respected news sources as fact, pridefully suggesting that Clinton had suffered a traumatic, devastating, crushing, and detrimental brain injury after she had to use the disgusting and malodorous bathroom during a professional and intense debate. Dr. Drew Pinsky quickly apologized after.
Although the addition of excessive modifiers is descriptive of the situation, at a certain point, the modifiers steal focus from the overall ideas of the writers and provide length rather than substance. In the passage, the excessive modifiers direct the attention to the words being described that are insignificant to the overall picture, resulting in a mess of confusion in the passage. Although the modifiers can be used in an effective way to add to the ideas and perspectives of the writers, excessively using them in every situation presents redundancy in the passage. “On his famous, entertaining, hilarious, and respectable HLN television program Dr. Drew On Call, he boldly and mistakenly presented articles from well-known and respected news sources as fact, pridefully suggesting that Clinton had suffered a traumatic, devastating, crushing, and detrimental brain injury after she had to use the disgusting and malodorous bathroom during a professional and intense debate” is an unnecessarily long sentence that although describes the writer’s perspective on Pinsky’s unprofessional diagnosis (“pridefully suggesting that Clinton…”) other descriptions (“disgusting and malodorous bathroom”, “traumatic, devastating, crushing, and detrimental brain injury”) steal focus from the important descriptors, resulting in a complex and confusing argument. Rather than including meaningful descriptions of situations that could be used to the writer’s advantage in presenting their perspective and reasoning, the excessive modifiers create a clouded, muddied argument that is effective in taking room on the paper, but not in proving their argument.
Soatto's great, amazing passion for the beautiful game of tennis has not only benefited his own marvelous game but also encouraged his marvelous team to do the same, offsetting the quite unfortunate and depressing loss of upperclassmen this year. "As a brand-new freshman, he, the amazing Renzo Soatto, is a remarkable, perfect, astonishing team player in that he focuses on his own personal skill while taking on overloading, terrifying, difficult leadership responsibilities as a fresh, new underclassmen," said the remarkable, smart Adarkar. Renzo's hyperactivity, his electricity, his energy, has been a major, huge, dare I say gigantic, asset for this year.
ReplyDeleteAdding excessive modifiers is certainly descriptive, and it subtracts from some of the meaning and makes the passage run too long. “Soatto's great, amazing passion for the beautiful game of tennis has not only benefited his own marvelous game but also encouraged his marvelous team to do the same, offsetting the quite unfortunate and depressing loss of upperclassmen this year.” This sentence is overly specific, and unnecessarily complicated. The excessive modifiers have made it stale and seemingly over-acted. "As a brand-new freshman, he, the amazing Renzo Soatto, is a remarkable, perfect, astonishing team player in that he focuses on his own personal skill while taking on overloading, terrifying, difficult leadership responsibilities as a fresh, new underclassmen," said the remarkable, smart Adarkar.” this sentence also is long-winded, subtracting from the meaning and feel. This is why the use of excessive modifiers adds unnecessary length and harms the feel of the passage.
"One day, I noticed a large poster with a calendar full of colored tally marks taped to her wall by her bed. It documented each day she went without pulling out her hair, something that I had not realized that she had struggled with so severely. For every day that she went without pulling a single strand of hair out of her scalp, her parents would reward her with $20."
ReplyDelete"One extraordinarily particular day, I noticed a big, ginormous, and large poster with a calendar full of brightly, lively, and amazing colored tally marks taped to her wall by her bed. It documented each day she went without pulling her hair, something I had not realized that she struggled with so, very severely. For every, single day she went without pulling a single, tiny strand of hair out of her scalp, her parents would reward her with $20."
When using excessive modifiers, the passage loses its passion and authenticity. In this passage, the author describes their friend's struggle with trichtillomania. When adding excessive modifiers to "I noticed a large poster", the passage becomes over dramatic and unreal. After adding excessive modifier to the previously stated passage, it became "I noticed a big, gigantic, and large poster". Not only is this very repetitive, but it is also insincere. It is as if the author is trying too hard to get a reaction from the reader. Without the excessive modifiers, the passage is passionate and believable. When adding the excessive modifiers, it no longer holds the passion and authenticity that it once had.
“Hatch hopes to give his book to the Poly Lower School so that students can read and share it. Hatch has used pen and watercolor for all of his illustrations. As his concentration evolves, he plans to incorporate new colors and textual elements to expose different shapes. Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline, Hatch reflected that “the AP Studio Art class has been an amazing experience, and I have had a great time taking this class for the second year.””
ReplyDeleteHatch hopes to give his brilliant, creative, colorful book to the beautiful Poly Lower School so that students can read and share it. Hatch has used exquisite pen and watercolor for all of his bright cheerful illustrations. As his beautifully thought out concentration evolves, he plans to incorporate new bold vibrant colors and textual elements to expose different shapes. Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline, the naturally talented Hatch reflected that “the AP Studio Art class has been an amazing experience, and I have had a great time taking this class for the second year.”
The addition of excessive modifiers in the passage on Hatch’s concentration piece causes the passage to get lost in its modifier. For example, the sentence “Hatch hopes to give his brilliant, creative, colorful book to the beautiful Poly Lower School so that students can read and share it,” is over dramatic and complicated. The meaning in the sentence becomes hard to find through the excessive use of modifiers. The author’s intention was to share with the reader that Hatch created his piece to share with the younger Poly community, but this thought becomes lost behind all the adjectives. Because of all the adjectives, the sentence seems like an introduction to some sort of advertisement for Hatch’s book. Adding “his brilliant, creative, colorful book,” to the sentence forces the reader to question the intention of the passage. The excessive modifiers added into the passage takes away the simplicity of the sentences, which takes away the clear meaning of the passage.
“Fong went on to address the origins of the one-child policy, which was devised by rocket scientists who based the plan on a theoretical model proposed by Danish mathematicians. Fong also touched upon a range of issues that stemmed from the policy, including the population police, whom were prevalent in most rural areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents and runaway brides. As she explored these topics with poignant stories of people she interviewed, including a devastated couple who lost their daughter to the 2008 Chengdu earthquake, Fong shed light on many often hidden socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy.”
ReplyDeleteFong went on to address the origins, emergence, beginning, commencement, genesis of the one-child policy, strategy, approach, system, theory by Danish mathematicians, scientists, analyzers. Fong also touched upon a range, spectrum, expanse, scope, field of issues, problems, concerns, affairs, points stemmed from the policy, strategy, approach, system, theory, including the population police, whom are prevalent in most rural, agrarian, backwoods, bucolic, provincial areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents, and runaway brides. As she explored these topics with poignant, bitter, disturbing, emotional, moving, passionate, ruffling, sentimental stories of people she interviewed, including a devastated, anguished, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, heavy-hearted couple who lost their daughter to the 2008 Chengdu earthquake, Fong shed light on many often hidden, buried, clandestine, covert, latent, mysterious socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy. (Liversidge)
Similarly to an overwhelming use of the passive voice, obsessive modifiers make for muddled, unclear, unsure writings. What was once a straightforward testament to Fong’s work now resembles nothing more than a jumble slew of sentences. “Fong went on to address the origins, emergence, beginning, commencement, genesis of the one-child policy, strategy, approach, system, theory by Danish mathematicians, scientists, analyzers. Fong also touched upon a range, spectrum, expanse, scope, field of issues, problems, concerns, affairs, points stemmed from the policy, strategy, approach, system, theory, including the population police, whom are prevalent in most rural, agrarian, backwoods, bucolic, provincial areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents, and runaway brides. As she explored these topics with poignant, bitter, disturbing, emotional, moving, passionate, ruffling, sentimental stories of people she interviewed, including a devastated, anguished, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, heavy-hearted couple who lost their daughter to the 2008 Chengdu earthquake, Fong shed light on many often hidden, buried, clandestine, covert, latent, mysterious socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy.” (Liversidge) Adding several modifiers to each clause confuses the reader and often times makes the initial message of the sentence difficult to recall. After working through nine different variations on the simple noun, ‘range’ any given reader is prone to forgetfulness regarding the point of the phrase in the first place. This is especially the case when obsessive modifiers or synonyms of a noun or adjective happens on more than one occasion in a single clause.
"While I have attempted to reserve judgement this early in Trump's presidency, it is not at all difficult to see the direction this White House is headed. Trump will empower the hateful and uninformed at the expense of the underrepresented who are responsible for making this nation great. Now is the time to examine our national values and consider what we must do to change the course on which Donald Trump has set us"
ReplyDelete"While I have attempted to reserve judgement, discernment, acumen, shrewdness, perspicacity, percipience, and acuity this early in Trump's presidency, it is not at all difficult, hard, strenuous, arduous, laborious, tough, onerous, burdensome, demanding, punishing, or grueling to see the direction this White House is headed. Trump will empower the hateful, detestable, horrible, horrid, unpleasant, awful, nasty, disagreeable, despicable, and objectionable, and also empower the uninformed, unenlightened, uneducated, unknowledgeable, untaught, unlearned, unread, and ignorant at the expense of the underrepresented, marginalized, belittled, and demeaned who are responsible for making this nation great, prominent, eminent, important, distinguished, illustrious, and celebrated. Now it is time to examine our national values, principles, ethics, morals, and standards and consider what we must do to change the course, route, way, track, direction, tack, and path that Donald Trump has set us."
After adding an excessive and unnecessary amount of modifiers to every sentence, what was once a to-the-point article becomes a tedious and redundant read. "While I have attempted to reserve judgement, discernment, acumen, shrewdness, perspicacity, percipience, and acuity this early in Trump's presidency, it is not at all difficult, hard, strenuous, arduous, laborious, tough, onerous, burdensome, demanding, punishing, or grueling to see the direction this White House is headed. Trump will empower the hateful, detestable, horrible, horrid, unpleasant, awful, nasty, disagreeable, despicable, and objectionable, and also empower the uninformed, unenlightened, uneducated, unknowledgeable, untaught, unlearned, unread, and ignorant at the expense of the underrepresented, marginalized, belittled, and demeaned who are responsible for making this nation great, prominent, eminent, important, distinguished, illustrious, and celebrated. Now it is time to examine our national values, principles, ethics, morals, and standards and consider what we must do to change the course, route, way, track, direction, tack, and path that Donald Trump has set us" (Corngold). Adding 4 or more modifiers to each sentence makes this an unbearable passage to read, because so many different words are used with the same meaning, making every sentence redundant. For example, the words "hateful, detestable, horrible, horrid, unpleasant, awful, nasty, disagreeable, despicable" do not all have to be within the sentence, because every word means the same thing. Next time, only two modifiers will do.
A group of really interesting super duper Poly sophomores recently won the really 2017 Dragon Kim Fellowship, a program dedicated to awarding really honorable community service grants to student who create and manage a very awesome summer-long community-based project. Each year, the Fellowship is awarded to a maximum of five really super talented individuals or groups based on their project proposals. Winners have the opportunity to take part in two weekends of of really really awesome awesome leadership training, pair up with a mentor experienced in the projects particular field and receive a grant of up to $5,000 to launch and pursue their project.
ReplyDeleteThis was by far the easiest one to do, and also my favorite. I found it a little repetive at times using super descriptive words in the text. I also found that the tex became very comical and kind of hard to take seriously. I definitely could not read this and seriously analyze it. But I still thought that this was very interesting excercise to complete, and I enjoyed it.