As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
It's So Passive
Rewrite your original Paw Print passage so that it is entirely in the passive voice. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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His own game has not only been benefited by Renzo's passion, but also has been encouraged by his teammates to do the same, which had been offset by the loss of upperclassmen this year. "As a freshman, he was made into a team player in that his skill had been focused on by him while he had been taken by the responsibilities as an underclassmen," which was said by Adarkar. “Renzo’s energy has been made into an asset for our team this season,” quoted by Jack Fleming.
ReplyDeleteChanging every verb into passive voice makes the passage more confusing and breaks the meaning of every sentence. “His own game has not only been benefited by Renzo's passion, but also has been encouraged by his teammates to do the same, which had been offset by the loss of upperclassmen this year.” This sentence was talking about how Renzo’s passion for his game outweighed the loss of upperclassmen, but changing the verbs to passive made the sentence seem as though the loss of upperclassmen outweighed his passion. Also, in the sentence "As a freshman, he was made into a team player in that his skill had been focused on while he had been overtaken by the responsibilities as an underclassmen," which was said by Adarkar. It seems as though Renzo has responsibilities forced upon him as an underclassman, not that he chose to take them up. This is why warping active verbs into passive verbs changes the meaning and the sense of the passage.
Freshman Renzo Soatto has been proven by himself to be a key member on this year’s 10-1 varsity boys team, serving alongside senior Nikhil Adarkar on the #1 doubles team. For Soatto, from his consistent dedication each practice and his abundance of experience, rare traits in Freshman players, comes his strength and talent on the court. “Renzo has a great work ethic and truly has a love for the game that cannot be taught.”
ReplyDeleteChanging a paragraph to passive voice makes the sentences sound broken. The sentences I included were about Renzo’s contributions to the tennis team. They started as wonderful praise, but after I changed them to passive voice, they became distorted. The subject of a sentence comes after what is being said about it, so you need to get to the end of the sentence to find out what they are trying to say. This is evidenced in the line that starts with: “from his consistent dedication”. This fragment tells us nothing. We don’t even know who is talking or what they are talking about. This voice might be useful to make people dislike a character. It would be very annoying if people talked like this all the time. Other characters couldn’t cut them off because then you would have no idea what they are trying to say. This language also leads the audience in so they want to hear the end. Some sentences, however, cannot be put into the passive voice. One example is the final sentence in the paragraph. The possessive “has” cannot be in the passive voice, so that sentence cannot change. This means you have to be careful not to paint yourself into a corner with the words you choose. Overall, passive voice is a useful tool in plays but is annoying and inconvenient overall.
“Hatch hopes to give his book to the Poly Lower School so that students can read and share it. Hatch has used pen and watercolor for all of his illustrations. As his concentration evolves, he plans to incorporate new colors and textual elements to expose different shapes. Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline, Hatch reflected that “the AP Studio Art class has been an amazing experience, and I have had a great time taking this class for the second year.””
ReplyDeleteThe Poly Lower School will be given Hatch’s book so that it can be read and shared by the students. Pen and watercolor has been used by Hatch for all of his illustrations. New colors and textual elements are planned to be incorporated to expose different shapes as the concentration is evolved by Hatch. Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline, “the AP Studio Art class has been an amazing experience, and I have had a great time taking this class for the second,” reflected Hatch.
Writing a passage in the passive voice changes the meaning of statements and creates unclear phrases. There are some verbs that sound odd when written in passive voice. For example, in the altered passage, the verb evolved is used in passive voice, but often times the verb evolved is not used along with a direct object, so when a direct object was added it created an unclear phrase “as the concentration is evolved by Hatch.” Initially the sentence’s phrase was “as the concentrations evolves…” but the altered phrase implies that Hatch is doing the evolving of the concentration, which does not make much sense. People more commonly say that something/someone evolves, not that someone/something evolves something/someone else. This use of evolve is an example of passive voice creating an unclear phrase. Using passive voice in a passage also changes the meaning of certain statements. “The Poly Lower school will be given Hatch’s book so it can be read and shared by the students,” is an example of how changing sentences into passive voice can alter the meaning. In the unedited passage, the sentence reflects how Hatch wants to give his book to Poly’s Lower school because he wants the kids to read it: “Hatch hopes to give his book to the Poly Lower school so that students can read and share it.” In this sentence, the author tells the reader that Hatch “hopes” to share his book with the Poly community, not just that it is being shared, proving passive voice changes the meaning of sentences. Overall, converting the passage into passive voice alters the meaning of its sentences and creates unclear phrases through incorrect verb usage.
Years ago when the growth spurt never came for me, my bones started to be eyed by my physician parents. After hours of prodding and a visit to an orthopedic surgeon, the blame for my smallness landed firmly on two words: idiopathic scoliosis which I never wanted to define myself with. Discomfort, clothing alterations, and loss of inches off my height were all examples of how sever it was. My luck has been a curse to me, which the same luck that made it so severe as to require treatment.
ReplyDeleteChanging Shivani's Paw Print article’s changing the sentences to passive voice did not change a lot of the article, but an overuse of passive voice made the passage confusion. The Paw Print article I choose was Shivani's articles about her experiences with idiopathic scoliosis called “Creative writing: Firecracker”. The first example of passive voice making the not changing the piece was at the end of the passage, which was, “ It was sever enough to cause discomfort and require clothing alterations and shave inches off my height and made me curse my luck, the same luck that made it so severe as to require treatment” (Chatterjee, 9). This passage was able to efficiently explain what happened to Shivani and how she felt. Like many of the other sentences in the passage, this is written in passive voice as seen in the phrase “require clothing alterations” and “shave inches off my height”. In this case, the passive voice did not take away from the paragraph, but rather added to it and enhanced it. On the other hand, when passive voice is used too much the sentence becomes confusing. This can be seen in my revised version on the last sentence, which was, “My luck has been to me a curse, which the same luck that made it so severe as to require treatment.” Specifically, when looking at the phrase, “My luck has been a curse to me” which does not make sense. Here, the meaning of the phrase is lost which was previously “made me curse my luck”. This is an example of an overuse of passive voice.
“Fong went on to address the origins of the one-child policy, which was devised by rocket scientists who based the plan on a theoretical model proposed by Danish mathematicians. Fong also touched upon a range of issues that stemmed from the policy, including the population police, whom were prevalent in most rural areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents and runaway brides. As she explored these topics with poignant stories of people she interviewed, including a devastated couple who lost their daughter to the 2008 Chengdu earthquake, Fong shed light on many often hidden socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy.”
ReplyDeleteThe origins of the one-child policy, which was devised by rocket scientists who based the plan on a theoretical model proposed by Danish mathematicians was addressed by Fong. A range of issues that stemmed from the policy, including the population police, whom were prevalent in most rural areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents and runaway brides were also touched upon by Fong. The topics being explored by Fong shed light on many hidden socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy.
Redundant and uninteresting, an application of the passive voice on all three sentences of the passage is not an effective method of communication. Comparing the original with the transformed paragraph sheds light on the significantly more awkward flow after the transition. “The origins of the one-child policy, which was devised by rocket scientists who based the plan on a theoretical model proposed by Danish mathematicians was addressed by Fong. A range of issues that stemmed from the policy, including the population police, whom were prevalent in most rural areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents and runaway brides were also touched upon by Fong. The topics being explored by Fong shed light on many hidden socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy,” (Liversidge). In the original quote, several lists were used to highlight topics discussed by Fong. As a result, the subject felt forgotten and lost after being put behind so many words in the passive voice; while reading through the paragraph, one can almost forget what the subject is even doing by the end of the sentence. It is important to remember the passive voice should not be used two times in a row, let alone more, to avoid confusion of the reader.
While I have attempted to reserve judgement this early in Trump's presidency, it is not at all difficult to see the direction this White House is headed. Trump will empower the hateful and uninformed at the expense of the underrepresented who are responsible for making this nation great. Now is the time to examine our national values and consider what we must do to change the course on which Donald Trump has set us.
ReplyDeleteJudgement has been attempted to be reserved by me this early in Trump's presidency, but it is not at all difficult for the direction this White House is headed to be seen by us. The hateful and uninformed will be empowered by Trump at the expense of the underrepresented, whom the nation has been made great by. Now consideration about national values and the changing of the course Donald Trump has set us on must be considered by us.
When changing a regularly written passage into one with only passive voice, it made it seem a lot more confusing very quickly. When quotes started out as understandable fluid sentences about Donald Trump and the dangers he poses, the sentences with passive voice made the paragraph a lot harder to follow: "Now consideration about national values and the changing of the course Donald Trump has set us on must be considered by us." (Corngold). To me, this sentence is considerably harder to follow and vaguer than the original sentence ("Now consideration about national values and the changing of the course Donald Trump has set us on must be considered by us." (Medina 6)) because of the placement of the subject in the sentence. For passive voice, the subject is at the end of the sentence, which makes the details of the sentence unclear because I'm unsure of who's completing the action.
"One day, I noticed a large poster with a calendar full of colored tally marks taped to her wall by her bed. It documented each day she went without pulling out her hair, something that I had not realized that she had struggled with so severely. For every day that she went without pulling a single strand of hair out of her scalp, her parents would reward her with $20."
ReplyDelete"One day, there was a large poster that was noticed by me. The calendar was covered with colorful tally marks. Each day her hair was pulled by herself, it was documented on the calendar. Her struggle was not something that I realized. For every day a strand of hair wasn't pulled by her, twenty dollars would be given to her by her parents."
When changing the sentences all to using a passive voice, the sentences lost their natural flow. By overusing the passive voice, sentences begin to become redundant and choppy. In the article, an author is discussing an issue that they and others have gone through called trichotillomania. When using a passive voice in the sentences, sentences such as "One day, I noticed a large poster with a calendar full of colored tally marks taped to her wall by her bed." lose the clarity and smoothness that they once had. When changing this sentence into multiple sentences using a passive voice, they become very choppy. The flow is clearly lost with, "One day, there was a large poster that was noticed by me. The calendar was covered with colorful tally marks. Each day her hair was pulled by herself, it was documented on the calendar." It becomes obvious that the sentences are odd and redundant. When using an active voice, smooth transitions can be made throughout sentences. If the only voice being used is passive, these sentences become choppy and redundant.
Recently, Pinsky was criticized for his armchair diagnosis of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. On his HLN television program Dr. Drew On Call, Pinsky’s audience was presented articles from news sources as fact, suggesting that Clinton had suffered a traumatic brain injury after the bathroom was used by her during a debate. Soon after, an apology was initiated by Pinsky.
ReplyDeleteWhen altering the original passage entirely to passive voice, the flow of the passage was destroyed due to the unnecessary wordiness. Although the authors did use passive voice significantly in two sentences, that choice illustrated their perspectives more eloquently. In the first sentence “Recently, Pinsky was criticized for his armchair diagnosis of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton”, the use of passive language effectively shows their thoughts on Pinsky’s criticism, by calling it an “armchair diagnosis”. But, changing the next sentence to passive language had a different effect: “On his HLN television program Dr. Drew On Call, Pinsky’s audience was presented articles from news sources as fact”. That is an unnecessarily wordy sentence that can easily be condensed by saying “he presented articles” rather than “the audience was presented articles”. Although it seems like a simple change that would not necessarily affect the entire mood of the passage, it does. Along with this, the authors seem uneducated, especially in the change “after the bathroom was used by her during a debate”. That change is unnecessary because it is not effective in emphasizing certain ideas or phrases, proving that the passive voice change in this passage is redundant.
“Magee’s genuine passion for softball is apparent among her coaches and teammates. She constantly asks questions in an attempt to improve her own game, while at the same time actively looking to help others hone their skills as well. On a team with only two upperclassmen, Magee’s experience and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity level of play” (Yu).
ReplyDeleteCoaches and teammates have all noticed the passion shown by Magee. In an attempt to improve her own game, while at the same time looking to help others hone their skills as well, she constantly asks questions. The underclassmen have made the transition to the varsity level of play under Magee’s guidance.
When converting an article in the Paw Print to passive voice, the excerpt remains understandable, however, the passage becomes confusing and redundant. The article, written to describe Maddie Magee’s passion for softball, is now rendered uninteresting and repetitive. For example, the line “Magee’s experience and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity level of play” when converted to “The underclassmen have made the transition to the varsity level of play under Magee’s guidance” loses most of its meaning and much of its context. In the original line, Magee is credited with providing “experience and guidance” to the underclassmen. However, in the passive voice. Magee is only credited with simply observing the change as the underclassmen ”make the transition.” it is obvious that this article goes from being coherent and fascinating to simply unclear. The change of sentence structure does not have any effect on the content of the article. However, the use of the passive voice leaves the reader with a completely new view of the message of this article. Rather than the article being about Magee's leadership skills, the article now paints her as simply a bystander. The final product is an article that does not achieve its intended purpose and is overall difficult to read.
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ReplyDeletef given the occasion to use a restroom on the Polytechnic Upper School campus in the last several months, the “newspapers” hanging over the stalls have probably stood out to you. There are several, and they cover everything from announcements and news to jokes and satire. What’s more, they’re entirely student generated and, although a satirically cynical view Poly life is represented in most of them, they offer an avenue of expression for the student body.
ReplyDeleteWhen I tried to change the passage I noticed that most of the sentences were already passive. The author, Desmond, used passive voice in the first sentences. In the first sentence “If given the occasion to use a restroom on the Polytechnic Upper School campus in the last several months, the “newspapers” hanging over the stalls have probably stood out to you. ”, the author uses passive voice. he says “in the last several months” using a clear passive voice. He continues to use passive voice to create a vague feel. In the next sentences there was only one active phrase so I changed it to “although a satirically cynical view”. Adding “although” makes the sentence passive. This does not change the comprehensiveness in the sentence but does change the authors point slightly. The word “Although” makes the rest of the sentence seem negative when thats not necessarily the point Desmond wants to make. The passage was already passive so the point of view does not change a lot.
A group of Poly sophomores recently won the 2017 Dragon Kim Fellowship, a program dedicated to awarding community service grants to student who create and manage a summer-long community-based project. Each year, the Fellowship is awarded to a maximum of five individuals or groups based on their project proposals. Winners have the opportunity to take part in two weekends of leadership training, pair up with a mentor experienced in the projects particular field and receive a grant of up to $5,000 to launch and pursue their project.
ReplyDeleteA group of Poly sophomores recently won the 2017 Dragon Kim Fellowship, a program dedicated to awarding community service grants to student who create and manage a summer-long community-based project. Each year, the Fellowship is awarded to a maximum of five individuals or groups based on their project proposals. Winners would have the opportunity to took part in a two week leadership course. You would also pair up with a mentor. And you could have the chance to win a $5,000 grant.
I found this very hard because I am absolutely horrible in writing in the passive voice. I think I did this totally wrong. This was by far the most challenging one of changing the voices.