This analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
It's So Simple
Select a 3-4 sentence passage from the most recent edition of the Paw Print. Rewrite the passage so that each sentence is a simple sentence. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Renzo helped the Varsity Tennis Team by playing doubles. He tries hard and knows what to do. “He likes hard work and tennis”.
ReplyDeleteChanging sentences into simple sentences transforms praise into facts. The sentences I chose were about Renzo Soatto’s contributions to the tennis team. The sentences praised his dedication and his skill. It also included a quote from his doubles partner talking about Renzo. When I changed the sentences to simple sentences, it removes much of the praise and made it more factual. This is evidenced in the re-written line about Renzo’s skills. “He tries hard and knows what to do”. Originally this sentence was praising renzo saying how he helped his team, but it was turned into bland factual statements. The quote tells us two things about Renzo, but not what they mean. This change is because of the lack of complex sentence structure. The other way praise is turned to fact is in the final sentence. Originally there was a quote from his doubles partner talking about Renzo, but this is how it turned out: “‘He likes hard work and tennis’”. It started as praise, but it turned into more facts. It tells us two things stated as facts and nothing else. It had made the wonderful praise into pointless information. Using diverse sentence structure is as important to writing as diverse subject matter.
Simplifying the passages in the Paw Print eliminate the connection between the sentences and the writer’s perspective. I selected a passage from the article “Drug, alcohol, and social media assembly: a controversial presentation”. This was from the “opinion” section of the Paw Print, and therefore the information presented discussing Dr. Drew Pinsky’s assembly was heavily influenced by the writer’s voice: “Recently, Pinsky was criticized for his armchair diagnosis of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. On his HLN television program Dr. Drew On Call, he presented articles from news sources as fact, suggesting that Clinton had suffered a traumatic brain injury after she had to use the bathroom during a debate. Pinsky apologized soon after” (Wallis and Horn, 3). In this passage, the writer’s opinions and perspectives were prominent, specifically in the second sentence when Pinsky’s statements about Hillary Clinton are called an “armchair diagnosis”. By this language, it is evident that the writers do not believe that Pinsky is qualified to be speculating about Clinton’s health from a simple observation. Along with this, the passage’s three sentences all depend on one another, keeping the momentum of the story continuously flowing. In the first sentence, the writers present information about Pinsky’s scandal. Afterward, they state what exactly the scandal was. Later, they state Pinsky’s response following the scandal. This continuous flow of dependency keeps the story moving, making it engaging for me as a reader. But, when condensing these sentences into simple sentences, the effect is much different: “Pinsky criticized Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He suggested Clinton suffered brain injury on his television show. Pinsky apologized soon after”. In these sentences, there seems to be no dependency. Instead, the sentences are stated as facts, leaving the statements up for the reader to interpret. This enormous change completely manipulates the ideas the writers proposed in the unedited passage and leave a much more uninteresting read.
ReplyDeleteI never got a growth spurt. This caused my parents to get worked and a visit to an orthopedic surgeon. I found out that I had idiopathic scoliosis. This was to the point that I was uncomfortable, required alterations to my clothing, and a loss of height. The scoliosis was to the point that I even needed to treat it.
ReplyDeleteReducing the Paw Print article to simple sentences took away the emotion from Shivani’s create writing piece. For my Paw Print article, I choose to cover the Life Lines section titled “Creative writing: Firecracker” This article was about Shivani’s experience with idiopathic scoliosis. At first, Shivani is horrified and felt that her scoliosis was a curse. Later, she saw that her scoliosis was not a curse but only just a part of her. As a result of both Shivani’s eloquent writing and the nature of the piece it has a lot of emotion in it, which can be seen in this passage, “After hours of prodding and a visit to an orthopedic surgeon, the blame for my smallness landed firmly on two words I never wanted to define myself with: idiopathic scoliosis,” (Chatterjee, 9). This part of the piece mainly focuses on negative emotions that Shivani felt with scoliosis “two words I never wanted to define myself.” From these descriptions, the reader is able to get an insight into the emotions she felt. On the other hand, when you change the complex language that Shivani wrote into simple sentences, the emotional impact is not there. As a result, after simplifying the passage into simple sentences, the emotional sentence became, “I found out that I had idiopathic scoliosis.” This change in sentence structure essentially took away the emotion of the piece into a husk of the writing. In my simple sentence, the reader is not able to see any emotion and just states the fact that Shivani “found out that I had idiopathic scoliosis.” This dramatic change of sentence structure took out the passion that was put into the writing and made it seem lackluster.
If you've had the occasion to use a restroom on the Polytechnic Upper School campus in the last several months, you have probably noticed the "newspapers." That are hanging over the stalls. There are several. They cover everything. They cover announcements. They cover news. They're entirely student generated. Most content leans toward a satirically cynical view Poly life. They offer a valuable avenue of expression for the student body.
ReplyDeleteChanging Paw Print sentences to simple sentences changed the excerpt completely, it becomes more choppy and basic. In this quote the author, Desmond Mantle, is talking about free speech and expression in the poly community. "There are several. They cover everything. They cover announcements." Is just one of the many example of how choppy simple sentences sound. Instead of the original flow of the sentence, "There are several, and they cover everything form announcements and news to jokes and satire." it is now choppy and basic. "They cover announcements." sounds repetitive because it come right after a similar sentence. This further adds to the choppiness of the paragraph. Even though the intentions and thought are advanced and important, it sounds like a childish or unintelligent. In the quote “They’re entirely student generated. Most content leans toward a satirically cynical view Poly life.” It was not as choppy was defiantly more basic. It sounds less advanced and flowy but more basic and choppy. The sentence “They’re entirely student generated is very basic and if you combined it with “Most content leans toward a satirically cynical view Poly life.” like the author it would be more advanced. In this quote there is also clearly a missing word. Probably a miss-print.
Using only simple sentences in a passage limits the smoothness and emotion in it. In the original version of the passage from the Poly Paw Print, the author has created a flow that allows for smooth transitions to occur between sentences. This passage from the AP Studio Drawing Class portfolios: a culminating exhibition of visual expression art section discusses Michael Hatch’s concentration piece: “Hatch hopes to give his book to the Poly Lower School so that students can read and share it. Hatch has used pen and watercolor for all of his illustrations. As his concentration evolves, he plans to incorporate new colors and textual elements to expose different shapes. Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline, Hatch reflected that “the AP Studio Art class has been an amazing experience, and I have had a great time taking this class for the second year. I will take all my experiences from AP Studio Art with me to college.”” The edited version of the passage from the Paw Print is more choppy, having no transition or variation between the sentences. “Hatch hopes to give his book to the Poly Lower School. Students can read and share it. Hatch has used pen and watercolor for all of his illustrations. He plans to incorporate new colors and textual elements to expose different shapes. Hatch reflected that “the AP Studio Art class has been an amazing experience, and I have had a great time taking this class for the second year. I will take all my experiences from AP Studio Art with me to college.”” Using only simple sentence in the passage prevents it from having a flow. The sentences in the edited passage tend to start with a noun, making it boring because of the lack of sentence variety. The edited passage also lacks in emotion, as seen when the sentence “Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline, Hatch reflected that…” from the original passage is compared to the sentence “Hatch reflected that…” from the edited.” What the sentence from the modified passage is missing is the “Despite the stress of working towards a quickly approaching AP deadline…” This phrase helps the author share how much the class has meant to Hatch, and explains how the class ending will not end his love for the class. It is important to have a variety of sentence structure when writing because if the sentences are all simple the writing becomes boring and will most likely lack in emotion and smooth transitions.
ReplyDelete“Magee’s genuine passion for softball is apparent among her coaches and teammates. She constantly aks questions in an attempt to improve her own game, while at the same time actively looking to help others hone their skills as well. On a team with only two upperclassmen, Magee’s experience and guidance have helped the underclassmen transition to the varsity level of play. “ (Yu)
ReplyDeleteMagee has a passion for softball. She frequently asks questions. She tries to improve her own game. She also helps improve the game of others. She helps the underclassmen with their transition to a varsity team.
The conversion of sentences from an article in the Paw Print to simple sentences configures the excerpt so that it lacks context and important commentary as well as makes it unexciting and boring. In this article, author Carson Yu is praising Maddie Magee for her contribution to the varsity softball team and her dedication to the sport. By converting the original text to simple sentences it turns from high praise for a stellar athlete to dull facts about the actions of Magee on the softball team. One example of this negative transition can be seen when Yu says “Magee’s genuine passion for softball is apparent among her coaches and teammates” (Yu 11). In this quote, Yu is commenting on Magee’s devotion to her sport and the fact that it is recognized by everyone she interacts with. When converted to simple sentence structure it simply states that Magee is fond of the sport by saying that “Magee enjoys softball.” This modification clearly leaves the reader without context for this statement and overall makes it blander and less interesting. The transition from the use of “genuine passion” to “enjoys” is an obvious indicator of how simple sentences can affect the message of an article. The reader transitions from being engaged and having an understanding of the magnitude of Magee’s contributions, to simply being informed that Magee appreciates the sport. This example perfectly illustrates how converting an article to simple sentences can result in an article that is boring and ineffective at conveying it's designated message.
Fong also talked about population police in rural communities. Fong shed light on many hidden socioeconomic consequences of governmental policy.
ReplyDeleteWhat was once a striking paragraph transitioned to nothing more than a bland, factual block of clauses after being transformed into three simple sentences. In an article addressing the ‘one-child’ policy in China, Fong painted a desolate picture of the desperate offenders and the consequences of such a policy. “Fong went on to address the origins of the one-child policy, which was devised by rocket scientists who based the plan on a theoretical model proposed by Danish mathematicians. Fong also touched upon a range of issues that stemmed from the policy, including the population police, whom were prevalent in most rural areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents and runaway brides. As she explored these topics with poignant stories of people she interviewed, including a devastated couple who lost their daughter to the 2008 Chengdu earthquake, Fong shed light on many often hidden socioeconomic consequences of the governmental policy.” (Fong, Paw Print - April 2017). From eight lines to a mere three, the author’s words underwent a significant transformation. “Fong talked about how the one-child policy originated from a plan made by rocket scientists. Fong also talked about population police in rural communities. Fong shed light on many hidden socioeconomic consequences of governmental policy,” (Liversidge). Any imagery and extra language has been chipped away to leave a most basic factual description of the circumstances. The second version uses the word ‘talked’ and the subject ‘Fong’ twice, producing a somewhat redundant piece. Removing human interest, alluring language and additional background from any given piece takes away from the general quality of the article as well as its interest levels.
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ReplyDeleteDuring the process of turning an intricate, well-worded paragraph into one with only simple sentences, the idea that sentence structure matters was engrained even more into my head. In a very-well written passage about a very touchy subject, Ali Medina described the obvious dark path Donald Trump is headed towards, and the importance of trying to change that path: "While I have attempted to reserve judgement this early in Trump's presidency, it is not at all difficult to see the direction this White House is headed. Trump will empower the hateful and uninformed at the expense of the underrepresented who are responsible for making this nation great. Now is the time to examine our national values and consider what we must do to change the course on which Donald Trump has set us" (Medina 6). After turning this into only simple sentences, it created this: "I have attempted to reserve judgment this early in Trump's presidency. It is not at all difficult to see the direction this White House is headed. Trump will empower the hateful and uninformed. This is at the expense of the underrepresented. They made this nation great. Now is the time to examine our national values. We have to consider what we must do to change the course of Donald Trump" (Corngold). It is obvious that the simple sentences in the second quote immediately demonstrate a lack of variety in sentence structure, which makes the paragraph very redundant and boring to read; this shows that variation in sentence types is imperative to a good piece of writing. The presence of only simple sentences also turns more of the words being said into bland facts, and makes the writing much less smooth to read. The comparison of these two passages is a perfect example of how its great to sprinkle in a few complex, compound, and compound-complex sentences in here and there.
ReplyDelete"One day, I noticed a large poster with a calendar full of colored tally marks taped to her wall by her bed. It documented each day she went without pulling out her hair, something that I had not realized that she had struggled with so severely. For every day that she went without pulling a single strand of hair out of her scalp, her parents would reward her with $20."
ReplyDeleteI noticed a calendar by her bed. The calendar marked everyday she did not pull out her hair. Her parents would give her $20 if she did not pull her hair.
Once the sentences are turned into simple sentences, they begin to lack the power that they once held. With a lack of variety, the sentences turn bland and meaningless. In an article by an anonymous person, they discuss their combat with trichotillomania and the negative impacts it has had on their life and others with the same issue. When taking a serious article and changing the meaningful sentences to plain and uninspired sentences, it can have a negative impact on the article. In a sentence from the article, the author discusses the negative impacts tichotillamania had on their childhood friend and that person's parents. They describes their experience in their friends bedroom and the discovery of a calendar which tracked the days that their friend did not pull out her hair. The sentence reads, "It documented each day she went without pulling out her hair, something that I had not realized that she had struggled with so severely." (Anonymous, Paw Print - April 2017). When changing this sentence to "The calendar marked everyday she did not pull out her hair", it loses the impact it once had. Instead of being an emotional passage, it become a vague and confusing sentence with no real meaning. When using the word "severely", it is clear that this hair pulling problem has caused a big impact on their life. When eliminating "severely", It isn't clear whether the hair pulling is a problem or not. Also, by using the word "struggle" it is communicated that the hair pulling is an everyday problem. Without "struggle" the sentence becomes ambiguous. By simplifying sentences, they begin to lose their meaning and impact which causes ambiguity and vagueness.
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ReplyDeleteFor Soatto, his strength and talent on the court comes
ReplyDeletefrom his consistent dedication each practice and his
abundance of experience, rare traits in freshman players.
Soatto’s passion for the game has not only benefitted
his own game but also encouraged his teammates to
do the same, offsetting the team’s loss of upperclassmen
leaders this year
“Because of his passion
for the game, I can only see Renzo improving in the coming
years.
I see Renzo.
“Soatto comes from dedication.” For the first sentence it loses all meaning and seems much less important than before. “Soatto encouraged his teammates.” In this sentence the theme of: overall impact loss, plays another major roll. Where yet again (sadly) you learn nothing about: “Renzo’s passion of the game” and instead all you are left with is a single action that he did. “ I see Renzo.” turns the sentence into something completely different, it turns into a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s source material and only references what the author does not the future actions that Renzo will do.
Soatto's passion has encouraged his teammates. "Renzo's energy has been an an asset." He battles hard.
ReplyDeleteTransforming compound and complex sentences into simple sentences changes the meaning entirely and make the writer seem uneducated. Saying only "Renzo's passion encouraged his teammates" sounds like a blunt, factual statement, not high praise. This sentence was supposed to touch on how Renzo's morale boost has lowered the loss rate of the team, but instead it only speaks about his inspiration to his team. Changing "He battles hard on the court, not only focusing on his teammates, but also making sure to cheer extraordinarily loudly for each and every one of his teammates" to simply "he battles hard" again completely changes the sentence into a seemingly uneducated understatement, only stating Renzo's work ethic. Transforming compound and complex sentences into simple sentences completely changes the meaning and makes the author sound poorly educated.
A group of Poly sophomores recently won the 2017 Dragon Kim Fellowship, a program dedicated to awarding community service grants to student who create and manage a summer-long community-based project. Each year, the Fellowship is awarded to a maximum of five individuals or groups based on their project proposals. Winners have the opportunity to take part in two weekends of leadership training, pair up with a mentor experienced in the projects particular field and receive a grant of up to $5,000 to launch and pursue their project.
ReplyDelete"A group of Poly sophomores were awarded the 2017 Dragon Kim Fellowship." By making this a simple sentence it really takes out the hook of the sentence, and really would me make me not want to read the rest of the paragraph. "Each year only five students or groups are awarded this fellowship." This here is fine because the original sentence was not much more than this. "Winners have the opportunity to go to a two week receive advisement and can get a grant of $5,000. This sentence was also fine because the original only really gave a conclusion.